And In My Hour of Darkness

So there are a lot of things I would love to write about and enter the conversation on: the death of Fred Phelps, World Vision, controversial legislation, the Hobby Lobby case, etc. Instead, I want to write about the one thing I need to. The post that’s been burning in my mind. The thing that makes all of that other stuff fade into the background of my life with my wife and our own journey.

We were on our way to an appointment last week, and it was early morning. Only the faintest signs of dawn were around in a sky covered in clouds and darkness. The headlights reflected brightly on the interstate, and transfer trucks made up most of the traffic.

The radio station was starting to fade, and it wouldn’t be long until we lost it. Through the static, Paul McCartney’s voice broke through.

“When I find myself in times of trouble,

mother Mary comes to me,

speaking words of wisdom

let it be…”

Despite the fact we were losing the song, we sang along. Such a good song.

I got to the office and checked in at the front counter. We paced a little, and were both fidgeting a little, despite the early morning hour.

The medical assistant called me back, and I left D in the waiting room. 10 minutes or less later, I walked back out to D with a band-aid on my arm where blood was drawn. Several of the people at the office told me they were hoping and praying. All I could do was smile and say thank you.

I was a nervous wreck, and so was D. She kept texting me asking if I had heard anything.

No, not yet. They said after lunch.

Finally, at about 2:00, I got the text that I had a message on the office website. I stopped my task at work, and went to read my message: Negative. Then the phone call: “I’m sorry. You’re not pregnant.”

“There will be an answer. Let it be…”

The tears came quick, and they still come as I write. I cried through the night and the next day.

It’s hard to know what to think.

I don’t even know how to word the feelings I feel. Guilt, sorrow, anguish, pain, frustration, anger, want, deep want.

“And when the night is cloudy
There is still a light that shines on me…”

But grieving has to be short. It’s time to try again. One last time. At least for now. And time to pray it works. And to do all I can to make it work. Even though it’s out of our hands.

“Whisper words of wisdom…”

We will have children one day. One way or another. We will love them.

They will be ours. We will be theirs.

“Let it be, Let it be

Let it be, Let it be.

There will be an answer.

Let it be.”

 

Love,

C.

 

 

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