I woke up this morning unsure of what I would write about today.
I thought about our garden and how our squash plants and cucumber plants are producing flowers but no fruit – a problem when no bees are around to help pollinate.
I thought about where we are in life and how things are starting to come together.
Then I thought about our next step:
I would say we are about to start a family, but the truth is that we already started.
We started a family when we joined our lives, our friends, and our families (both blood related and not).
I thought as I lay next to my sleeping wife this morning, that we have also already began that process of making room in our lives for our children.
And then I remembered a post by my dear friends, as they are making the journey of adoption, now for their second child. Jason wrote a post a couple months ago, focusing on the Mumford & Sons song, “I Will Wait” and how it is the theme for this time as they are waiting for their second child. I can’t read it without crying.
So as I lay, looking up at the ceiling fan this morning, I started tearing up and thinking about them and their beautiful family, and how we are at a similar place, engaging in active hopeful waiting for our children.
We have the room painted, even though it is now a storage room full of stuff that will have to be moved out – we are making building another building for all those vintage couches, the pool table, and shuffle board a priority for the next months.
There are books on our book shelf: children’s books from our own childhoods, and books we picked out together – and even one from our dear friends V & J, called “Country Babies Wear Plaid” – which is completely perfect for us plaid wearing southern lesbians who are starting an organic farm and family together.
We have names picked out.
We started looking at baby furniture and accessories. We have already talked about cloth diapering and making our own baby food and looked into how to do so many things. We often have conversations about parenting and the “what ifs.”
I studied how maternity leave works and have been trying to get my body in better shape – taking some folic acid and having tests done. D is getting her body ready, too.
There is also the fear – what do we do about making sure we are in the room with each other when it is time to deliver? What if the nurses and doctors start being jerks to us because we are gay? What all do we need to do to make sure our child is ours – both of ours? Can we legally adopt each other’s child?
We are seeing an attorney as soon as we can.
Despite all the uncertainty, there is so much excitement, so much joy, so much hopeful anticipation. Jason compared the hopeful waiting of adoption to advent, and I remembered a little entry I wrote a few years ago in this small leather journal I kept writing in to my future wife – about hopefully waiting for her, and engaging in active waiting for her. I gave that journal to D on our wedding night.
Now we can’t wait to meet our first daughter or son. And the second, too, in all honesty.
It is excitement and longing like when I wrote that entry, yet unlike it and unlike anything else I have ever felt before.
I find with this part of our journey, that I am more protective of my family, and that I put up with nothing that would try to dissolve it or threaten it. I find that I want to fight even more for legal protections for all people and their families.
There is something about this weaving together of lives – it feels tighter, and stronger, and more and more central and powerful.
So here we are – planning our late honeymoon/anniversary trip/legal marriage trip for this Autumn, and planning to “start trying” just after.
It is exciting and scary and joyful – so joyful.
We will wish. We will hope. We will pray,
and like our friends, we will wait.